I wrote this entry in my trusty ol' paper and leather journal while sitting at the DMV. It felt closer to "nature" that way I suppose. This is the Daktari's wife entry into the Blogosfear.
Blogging is looking at me like a big rumbling yella school bus looks at a 5 year old. Who knows that one day it will be coming for him too.
Do I want to get on the bus and party with a make-believe identity, indulgent in self-expression and independence? Or do I fear getting on completely unnoticed and totally insecure in bearing me wee little soul to the big wide world, like a kindergartner in with 4th graders? Yes!
The truth is, I fear not measuring up to the blogger mommies who write such pithy and literary accounts of life. I fear not measuring up to insta-gramming enough documentation of my beautiful life. Moving to East Africa in 4 months with our pre-schoolers, living at a hospital amidst infectious tropical diseases, sharing our family in community with strangers, crossing the cultural divide of east/ west, all these things thrill me! But writing about it for the www makes me quake!
Not that other people's children don't make demands on their time or that other people aren't struggling to process their life as it is lived too. But I still have trouble getting dirty dishes out of the sink every night. Let alone contemplative journal writing. Online.
But the fact is, we are moving to Kenya in 4 months and like getting ready for the first day of school, I've got a lot of preparation to do before we get on the bus and go (or 747, actually). First, we've got to get freed up from much of our belongings. (anybody want baby toys?) Moreover, I need to figure out how homeschooling or MK schooling works for my real kindergartner this fall. No actual big yella bus is going to take him into academia out there in Bomet. There's some "supply" shopping to be done: long skirts, rain boots, learning apps for the kid's devices. One more things is, I need to start blogging to build a bridge between our family and the ones we have to leave behind. I desire to build understanding of what Africa is like, what our kids are like, what God is doing in our lives.
Mostly though, getting ready to go for me means trying to listen for the rumbling sound of troops marching in the top of the balsam trees- for the God of Angel Armies who goes before me. Listen for the rhythm of the Good News that pounds down everyday saying "You'll never measure up to my requirements." You aren't good enough. (what?!) And THAT is why Jesus came for you. THAT is where Jesus brings life, drives out fear, gives His Very Self to bring little ole you and me through battles of life. It's Good News because it's not up to me. It's Good News because it's about Jesus taking care of all my fears. Because His love is stronger than the power of death- what have I to fear? Fear is about death. I will not fear being unnoticed, unliked, unfollowed, unpinned. Listen, Katie. Listen for the sound of the Gospel. For without that engine rumble, it is all in vain.
Katie, haha somehow you're hilarious and profound both at the same time, and I love hearing what you have to say. Its only the first time taking the bus that is so scary, and your past that now so I hope you'll make it a regular ocurrence!
ReplyDeleteKatie, you're such a good writer! I hope you will continue to blog and start feeling more comfortable with it. :-) I laughed at your mommy blog comments; I feel the same way about missionary blogs. I think I end up not posting most of what I want to write! We're looking forward to your arrival and getting to know you in person. :-)
ReplyDeleteOh Katie, I'm so glad you're writing. I was just talking about you to a friend last night over skype. We are reading a book called Hope for the Weary Mom, (which by the way, you should download if you haven't read it.) And we're going through the questions in the book together. I was telling her how I was so blessed being in your home in January and that I was challenged in a way too. It was so beautiful to me to see how you somehow managed to focus on the truly important things in life in the midst of caring for toddlers. You could leave the dishes in the sink and have a beautiful encouraging conversation with me and read scripture to your children and study the word. Where as for me, I think I have felt numb to so much in the last few years that I have trouble letting go of all the juggling and just be in His presence. I love you and your heart for the Lord is so encouraging to me. I also told my friend how my emotions don't always seem to work like they use to since I tend to put them in the background in order to deal with scraped arms, fighting siblings, and hungry baby, etc. But today I was talking with the kids about you guys over breakfast and they wanted to hear the story of Josiah's broken arm. So I read them your blogpost and started crying. Which was quite timely since last night we were reading the bible you guys gave us (which we read everyday by the way) and we read about God turning away from Jesus on the cross and how he was sad. And it led to a conversation about how she didn't think Mommies and Daddies cry. And I thought oh my goodness my kids haven't seen me cry. God is breaking and molding me again right now I think which is so good. I started to cry yesterday too reading about a woman trapped in the building in Bangladesh and then I quickly quit reading and got up from the computer. But today I realize that I need to start letting myself feel again. Feeling God's heart again is just what I want. So that was alot to pour out onto your blog, but I figure other moms might feel just the same in the midst of our chaos with small children. We think of you guys often and are blessed to know you. Can't wait to read more of your journey to Kenya. Tell Josiah and Annie hello from Noah and Isabelle and that we're sorry Josiah broke his arm. Remember my story of Isabelle with a broken leg in Sofia. I feel for you, Mamma.
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